Coastal Wars

Dear everybody,

The east coast v/s west coast war in my office that was simmering for a long time has reached a boiling point. The battle lines are clearly drawn, provocative emails are flying across cyberspace and tele-conference calls bear similarity to court room drama.

“Before we continue, admit that you have lied, that is all I want to hear”: screams a colleague to one of the VPs.

“The east coast office is sabotaging our efforts” complains the VP to the President.

“The Medical Director is a liar”, announces yet another person.

Some quietly document all emails as future “evidence”. Some others have taken recourse to more violent dramas including punching a great big hole in the wall, to express irritation. Elaborate plots are hatched to “clean” the mess, including detailed murder plans! I must confess I am making do with a voodoo doll and set of thumbtacks. Finally the CEO closes the first act of this drama. “You are fired”, he tells the President, hopefully in true Trump style.

To bring some order to the proceedings, the CEO has ordered the HR department to create an Employee Handbook explaining policies and procedures for Company Procedures. For good measure, he also bought in an employment lawyer to ensure that all of us are clear on the procedures. The lawyer explained to us the terms of what constitutes harassment, the intent does not matter he droned. For example, pounding the table to make a point is considered an aggressive gesture, he pointed out. We were cautioned against emails, so much that we started preceding every email with the statement “I am not sure if this is in accordance with company policy but……”

After three years of employment, I learnt that I was guilty of the crime of carrying a cell phone with a camera into the office. . I also learnt it in the event, I wanted to date any of my colleagues I must inform the President, the moment it develops more than a platonic friendship. It was not clear what is to be done, if the President is the one who wants to date a colleague. A whole page was devoted to the intricate process of interdepartmental promotions; however the only hires made currently are in upper management.

And so we are trying to follow the employment handbook to the word. We do not download new software as we have to receive permission from the President before “installation of any software packages unless authorized” As we have no President now, I believe I can safely follow instructions to the T and not work till we hire a President and the President authorizes the installation of Xserver on my PC.

Deepa

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